What Kind of Fool am I? Or am I?

I recently learned that a friend of ours has a crush on my lovely wife, J. Let's just call this friend Gertrude. J was also unaware of the affections Gertrude held for her until just the other day.

Can open. Worms freakin' everywhere.

Interestingly, J and I met Gertrude through mutual friends, the Shapiros, another lesbian couple we hang out with frequently. At the time we met her, Gertrude was dating a cute and funny gal from New York, who I'll call Len, and upon meeting them both, J and I both found Len quite charming and fun to be around, but agreed that Gertrude seemed less approachable and that something about her caused us to see some red flags...although neither of us could put our finger on it.

Gertrude is an amazing singer, though, and if American Idol had been around ten years ago, she coulda been a contender. J and I both appreciate music pretty enormously and gave Gert many kudos on her fine set of pipes.

But, when I later learned that Gert had once made out with my boss (um, eww) many years ago and that she'd dated a friend of Alison's and stalked him after they broke up a few years back, the red flags started to make a little sense.

I'm not that good at having really casual friends. Amongst the friends that I do have, there are far more things that I like about them than things that I don't like. When the reverse is true, I just feel that it's not worth my time or effort to maintain the connection. J is different than I am in that respect and is great at hanging out with most people, even if she doesn't have that much in common with them or they don't interest her that much. I admire that about her, but it could never work for me.

When I had to work last Sunday night and we realized I wouldn't be able to attend the soccer game for which we hold season tickets, J decided to call Gertrude, as she enjoys soccer also. Gertrude, of course, wanted to go to the game with J, and then they hung out afterward and Gert decided she wanted to get her first tattoo and asked J to come with her. I later learned that J held a frightened Gert's hand as the needle pumped ink in and out of her skin. No big deal, though, as J would do that for most anyone and has excellent calming skills when others are freaking out. At the time, J had no idea that Gert had a thing for her, nor that Gert was under the impression that it was reciprocal. No doubt the nurturing, comforting and hand-holding fueled that impression.

So when C. Shapiro called J on Wednesday morning to discuss their (the Shapiros, J, Gertrude) camping trip this weekend, she felt it was time to let J know how Gert was feeling. Why was this important? Because, even though I was originally invited on the camping trip, I couldn't get any of my shifts covered and had to stay home. I'd encouraged J to go anyway, since she loves camping and C. Shapiro's birthday would be celebrated on the trip. Problem is, J gets a little bit frightened of "the woods" (I think she watched too many horror flicks as a kid - that or her older brothers convinced her that the woods were scary). I grew up in Oregon and think that trees are lovely - the more the merrier...I have no problem whatsoever with being in "the woods" and the fewer other campers there are around, the better.

A week or so ago, when we realized that I wouldn't be able to be a part of this trip, J asked if I'd have any problem with her sharing a tent with Gertrude, so that it wouldn't be as frightening for her.

"Nope, I don't have a problem with that," I told her.

And then I thought nothing more of it...until C. Shapiro called with her revelation and suggested that maybe J might want to bring her own tent, after all. C. Shapiro also warned J that Gert is convinced that J feels likewise about her - is it because she was selected to use our extra soccer ticket and received nurturing support during her first tattoo (during which, I later learned, she freaked out extensively)? is it because she perceives J's kindness, charm and enthusiasm as being directed at her personally? is it because she perceives unrest between J and I, since J shows up to a lot of parties and group events alone (since I am ususally at work)? or is it just wishful thinking on her behalf?

Since J and C. Shapiro are pretty good friends, I'm certain that C. Shapiro's motivations in telling J about Gert's feelings are purely to avoid any awkward situations that may arise from sharing a tent. I appreciate C. Shapiro for this and am glad that she was forthcoming about this as well.

I've teased J a little about this and planted a few conversations with a little bit of bad kitty propaganda...not that it was necessary or vital to keep J honest, but just to make light of what will likely become an awkward situation in the very near future. Plus, it didn't hurt matters to make sure I look fabulous, smart, witty and studly by comparison.

Furthermore, though, this revelation explains some of Gert's frequent phone calls and text messages to J, including asking to borrow a sleeping bag and an early morning call (these I do not like - from anyone) today to our house to see "how things were going."

Should be an interesting camping trip.

I trust J enormously and don't worry in the least that she will betray me. I know that she loves me and don't worry that she's at all attracted to Gertrude. I guess it bugs me a little that Gert has been pining away for J for some time (despite C. Shapiro's attempts to dissuade her) and would love nothing more than for me to be out of the picture. If I were a sucky partner, that wouldn't bug me so much...but I'm not, so it does.

Of course, what bothers me more than anything about this whole scenario is the flashbacks it conjures up of The Incredibly True and Heartbreaking Tale of my First Hollywood Breakup.