what a tangled web we weave

Right now I'm really, really hoping that my mother is not having a rendez-vous with my bio-dad. Oh sure, it doesn't look so bad on paper, but it would be pretty mortifying.

I know I haven't spoken of my mother much here (and it's not for lack of subject matter) and maybe now is the time to start.

Every time I speak to bio-dad and he mentions having spoken to my mother or having lunched with her, I cringe. Funny thing is, mom NEVER mentions him. This makes me very suspicious. There have been other tidbits of potential 'evidence,' which I won't delve into right now.

There are so many reasons why mom and bio-dad need to stay away from each other. Sure bio-dad is almost single, but he still has some issues to work out over losing his wife of 20-something years to cancer four years ago; plus, he needs to lose that 'almost.' I mean, I get it. Dude just wants to be loved and likes having a chickadee around - can't blame him for that. But he's soooooo sniffing the wrong bitch butt. And, granted, I didn't so much care for his most recent girlfriend/fiancee/not-fiancee any more/roommate/not-roommate any more. She was the mother of a friend of mine from high school and that was weird enough for me.

My mother, on the other hand, is not so free to roam and should be home tending the fire instead of lunching with bio-dad. I mean, I get that her ailing (advanced stages of Parkinson's) husband of 21 years is not easy to take care of right now and demands a lot of her time and energy. And I know for a fact that my mother does not do well with being in the position of being needed or depended upon. I also know for a fact that when my mother is unhappy in a relationship, she tends not to opt for the healthiest means of addressing that unhappiness.

For those of you who are regular readers, you may recall my mentioning that my dad is a regular reader of my blog. My bio-dad and my dad are not the same person. Essentially, my bio-dad may as well have been a sperm donor and he may or may not have helped tend to me when I was an infant. He then left my mother (and likely for good reason) when I was a toddler, continued to see me on the occasional weekend, and then ceased contact with me. My dad, on the other hand, started dating my mother when I was approximately late four/early five and, upon marrying my mother a few months before my sixth birthday, adopted me. He continued to raise me as if I were his own biological child. I have fond memories of him reading to me and of him bringing home a doll to me when I was sick once. I've always felt close and connected to my dad and I enjoy the time we spend together now (and I'm not just saying that because he might read this). He has been a true father to me: loving, non-judgmental, encouraging, open minded, engaging and just the right amount of rigidity. I see him as a father and as a person. Bio-dad and I were just reunited about three and a half years ago (we'd been in contact a couple of times over the years, both at my initiation). I'd sent him a sympathy card when I heard that his wife had passed away. He responded and wanted to get together for lunch. Since then, we've seen one another on and off and have had several phone conversations (this is the most contact we've ever had, to my knowledge), but they always feel forced, empty and full of anxiety for me.
I guess I'm coming to terms with my anger at him. When we were first in touch with one another, shortly after I returned to Portland, I wanted to 'meet' him and learn more about him, figure out where/what I came from. I also wanted to learn medical history and family lore. Bio-dad seemed genuinely remorseful for the lost time between us and offered many an apology for his absence. At the time, I told him not to worry about it and that what was important was that we had time now. I can't really say if I believed that when I said it - I thought I did - and now I'm finally feeling the anger and resentment that should have kicked in years ago.

Did I respond to him without anger initially because I was fearful that he would abandon me again? Was I under the impression that if I was super friendly and accepting of him and not at all judging him as an absent father, he'd stick around and get to know me? And the thing is, he was initially on 'really good behavior' when we first were hanging out. He expressed an interest in me and in my life. He paid attention to my likes and dislikes and purchased gifts for me that reflected that. He was timely with his holiday and birthday wishes. Now, not so much. But it's not like he owes me or anything - it's just the lack of consistency that I have a hard time with.

So, am I hoping that he and my mother are not seeing one another (despite my suspicions of the contrary) because I fear that he'll abandon/hurt my mother? Absolutely not. In fact, aside from the fact that it would just be too weird and uncomfortable, I am certain that my mother would grow intolerant of bio-dad and his common ways and then dump his ass. You see, Mom prides herself on 'having class' and has choice words for anything/anyone she deems as lacking class or, worse yet, being 'tacky.' Yep, she's a joy to be around. She likes her 'status' and all of the symbols that go along with it. She likes to boast about the vacations she's been on and has been known to name-drop the designers whose clothing she wears. Bio-dad is nothing like that. He's very blue collar, loves music (especially 70s rock and the blues - Mom doesn't listen to music), likes old cars (Mom likes BMWs) and is not flashy in any way, shape or form.

I'm going to be paying very careful attention to this situation.