When Disco Inferno and Hollywood go head to head

My lovely wife, J, plays on a recreation league women's indoor soccer team: DISCO INFERNO. They have a game once a week and, if I'm not working, I like to attend.

On my very first day of librarian action figure school, all students were gifted with a travel mug with the name of one of the larger student groups emblazoned across the cup: ALISS, The Association for Library and Information Science Students. While I was happy to receive any gift at all, I already had a gazillion travel mugs for coffee that I like very much and use all of the time. So, I decided that this particular go-cup (as coined from my friend, Beth, who is from N'awlins) would be used exclusively for cocktails!

I've made it a habit of making myself a cocktail to take to the soccer games, as they do serve beer there (good beer, too!), but they confine all beer drinkers to a small area which is not optimal for watching the game. Plus, who's gonna suspect I'm working on a gin and tonic out of a mug that proclaims itself to be for library students???? (Yes, I do this at movie theatres, too)

Oftentimes, I also bring my ipod or a book on cd to listen to while I am enjoying my cocktail and watching the game and I typically have a crossword puzzle or Sudoku for downtimes and intermission halftime. While I thought I was well-equipped this last Monday, I discovered that my ipod had a dead battery and I found myself relegated to the sounds of the soccer game.

How serendipitous this turned out to be!

Turned out that on my left were two kids, a girl of about six (Ashley) and a boy of about nine (Mikey), who were watching their mom, a player on the opposite team, Hollywood. On my right was Lena, whose mother is the goalie for Disco Inferno and whose daughter occasionally plays on the team, as well. Lena played some time ago and then advanced to a higher level of play. She knows all of the players' names and has that soccer lingo down pat.

Here are some highlights of my observations at Monday night's game:

Mikey (with much urgency): "behind you!! there's someone behind you!"
Me (under my gin-scented breath): file that one away under 'duh.'

When the score is tied:
Mikey: (with much feeling) "Ashley, this is inTENSE!"
Rec league, folks; we're talking rec league. Fun to watch, fun to play, not World Cup.

Mikey spies an abandoned black T-shirt on floor in between where he is sitting and where I am sitting. He picks it up. Mikey smells it, then says, "this smells like Mom."

Mikey continues to cheer on his mother's team, as if it were the World Cup final. In addition to being extraordinarily amusing, it's actually somewhat endearing.

Sister Ashley is clearly embarrassed by Mikey.
Ashley: "Mikey, you're being too loud. You're making a fool of yourself. Mom's never going to bring you to a game again."
Mikey (with a tone of authority): "I'm doing it at the appropriate times."

I must've made a double, maybe a triple, 'cause I feel great! I clap extra loudly when J's team scores a goal or prevents the other team from scoring - Mikey gives me a look.

Lena, on my right, is the soccer mom with a skilled 15 year-old in the game. She may as well be the coach understudy. "Man on!" "Way to ________ (it's amazing how many words go here)!" "Come to the corner!" "See ____________(fill in unguarded player name here)!" Chick knows her game and isn't afraid to call it. She heaps praise on her team and her players. Loudly.

Flash forward to soccer mama's baby dribbling the ball toward the goal. Chick in the red shorts on the other team shouts out: "Go Becky! You can outrun her. She's NOTHING."

Wow, vicious, I'm thinking.

Chickadee in the red shorts should check out roller derby. Natch, soccer mama hears this, looks over to the bench and glares roller-derby-bound girl's way. I join her in the glarefest just because. I'm good at glaring and that comment was rude and uncalled for.

Teammate nudges roller-derby-bound girl in the arm and glares, as well. R-D-B girl gestures over and shows her teammate, "that's her mom."

Lena, the soccer mama makes snarky comment about how some people get whiny when their team is losing.

This is one of the best games ever.

I need to pee and I want to be where I can see the goal better, now that the teams have switched sides, but I just can't bring myself to leave this spot. This is pure comedy.

Ipod shmypod.