Planes sometimes crash
I just recently learned that someone I know has been diagnosed with some form of Leukemia. It's sad, to be sure, particularly considering how young Avion is. However, I've never really liked her all that much. She's rather unkind to her on-again/off-again girlfriend and speaks to her condescendingly. One time she broke up with her, stating to Whitney that she wanted, instead, to be with someone who is her intellectual equal. Ouch. I honestly don't know why Whitney puts up with it and told her just as much. We were becoming pretty close friends until Avion told Whitney to stop hanging out with me and, sadly, Whitney complied.
And, since that time, Avion's been nothing but haughty and arrogant toward me as well. Her air of superiority has been an enormous turnoff and I've avoided opportunities to share in her company even though we know some of the same people and run in similar circles. Seems that most people I know who know Avion don't really care for her much and some even seem afraid of her in a way. But now that she's sick, people who know her and know of her mostly only show concern for her. I have to wonder whether it's Avion they're really concerned about or if it's more of a reflection on how they feel about Whitney, who is very well liked. People won't really talk about it and are more so talking around it. Why are they afraid?
But I understand the reluctance to speak frankly about Avion as a person, as the person we have known her to be, as it feels so cruel to dislike someone who is dying more rapidly than they should be. So do I now just forget about her cruelty and how she has hurt my friend? Do I toss aside her rudeness and arrogance? Does severe illness erase those things? Does she get a clean slate because she's sick?
As much as the thriving Buddhist wannabe in me wants to forgive Avion and have compassion for her because I feel like it's what I'm supposed to do - because it's the right thing to do, if I'm being completely honest with myself - and I am, I'm just not there. I have pity for Avion, as I'm sure that her failing health has been humbling and challenging to her, but I still just don't trust her.
And maybe that says more about me than it does about her.
2 comments:
It seems to me that forgiveness has more to do with oneself than the person we are trying to forgive. When I find it hard to forgive someone, I can usually trace it back to feelings evoked in me that I am trying to guard against by not forgiving them... whether that be vulnerability, anger or a sense of diminished power or importance.
I don't know... it just seems to me that we're all just trying to get through life and sometimes our fucked up defenses, vulnerabilities, and issues weigh in a little to heavy in the mix of thoughts and feelings that ultimately dictate our behavior.
I used to be in favor of the death penalty and then the oh-so-wise-and- fabulous ani difranco said something that changed my mind along the lines of...
Would you want to be unilaterally judged and convicted based on the worst moment(s) in your life?
We've all done shameful awful things, some of us have just been lucky enough to have learned from it.
That fucking bitch got what she deserved!!!!!!!!!
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